Suicidal Tendencies

For the past several weeks, I have been hearing a voice in my head that is telling me, “God needs you to go, and come back stronger.” The voice grew more and more insistent, to the point where I began to think that I was being disobedient.

I finally asked, “Why doesn’t he just take me, then?” The voice responded that I needed to go, that he couldn’t take me. I knew it meant that I had to commit suicide. The idea that God would bring me into his kingdom, promise me eternal life, then command me to take that life was worrisome.

Eventually, I decided to challenge God to a duel. I told him that if I lost, I would go and come back. I prepared two needles, both in paper bags, one with an overdose, and one with nothing. I moved the bags around with both hands, and prayed from the gut, as if there were no tomorrow.

I chose one bag, opened it, and the syringe was empty. I am alive at this moment because just as I heard the voice telling me to do it again, I heard Rebekah calling my name, and telling me that God had appointed me to write a Blog. I know without a doubt, that there is no place to go, and that I can grow stronger here on earth.

I know that I must promise God that I will never ever put him to the test by engaging in the devil’s idea of a duel. I thank him for saving my life.

Erin
Kansas City, United States